Satan tasked favoured demons to travel to earth and set
themselves up as false gods and engage in the Eternal Psychomachy;
members of the Magisterium were allotted the Holy Lands, where they
cheekily had their temples built next to Yahweh's. They made catcalls,
threw fruit, wrote obscene graffiti, drank too much, and generally
stirred shit up and lowered real estate values. They also passed
knowledge on to man, much to the consternation of God, who didn't like a
bunch of gaudily dressed posers loitering on his turf, passing out
memetic firecrackers to mischievous little kids who didn't know better.
 |
| Satan battles with Death while Sin watches with concern; by John Martin |
When the temples of the false gods were finally thrown down,
indescribable rage swept through the Magisterium, and Beelzebub launched
a rebellion, blaming Satan for letting the indignity happen. Really he
was just pissed at not being included in the Magisterium. Many demon
aristocrats and their legions joined him, including Rimmon and Basher
Thammuz, who were unhappy with Satan being a such prick all the time and
not sharing the tastiest souls or his 10,000 succulent succubi harem.
Reinforced by huge, castle-crushing beasts from the wastelands,
Beeze and company waged a thirty year war against Satan's high-handed
rule, a war which weakened the empyrean essence of everyone involved.
For the first time, weaker demons could be permanently dissipated.
Rubbed out, in other words. Vaporized. Killed. Scrubbed.
 |
| A city fortress in Hell, lit by a bubbling magma pool; by John Martin |
The war ended with Beelzebub's defeat by Abaddon and 'Mofo' Moloch.
His fortress of gold and iron, Beelzegrond, was razed to the ground and
Beelzebub fled back into the wastelands, where it is said he was
murdered by his sons, who were understandably displeased with having a
loser for a dad. Satan declared the House of Beelzebub a criminal
organization; members were sentenced to death. Contests were held to
come up with new, innovative, and extremely painful means of execution
for them.
During this turbulent period the main political factions of Hell
crystallized. They complicate loyalties within the Major Houses, as no
house aligns with them perfectly; Satanists are an obvious exception to
this, being a one-note personality cult.
 |
| The bridge leading out of Hell, through Chaos, to the material world; by John Martin |
During the Harrowing of Hell, Satan denied Moloch's request to
unleash his teeth gnashing legions upon The Little Enemy. Peeved, Moloch
resigned as Marshall of the Infernal Armies, and began to secretly plot
to bring about Armageddon prematurely by kidnapping the Anti-Christ and
transporting him to earth in 1000 AD. Many members of the military,
particularly Abaddon and the officer corps, supported him.
 |
| The Walls of Dis |
They marched upon the Gates of Hell, but were stopped by the
Garrison, and were forced to lay siege. In the meantime, Satan raised a
vast army to oppose the rebels, calling them 'a bunch of idiotic Upist
douchebags'. The threat in the rear forced Moloch to march upon
Pandemonium. He was defeated at the Battle of the Styx and sentenced to
be diced for all eternity; Abaddon was cast into a pit with his
followers, not to be released until Judgement Day, by which time he'd be
ready to break lots of stuff.
The Third Civil War came about when three demons, Ozeroth, Orut, and
Izooze, formed a Supreme Triumvirate within the Magisterium. They
claimed Satan had become incapable of governing, being morbidly obese,
immobile, and senile. Some said Satan had also developed Tourettes,
although he may have just been pissed at being stuck in the ice of the
Cocytus.
Satan, however, was not as senile as he seemed, and used his
influence to start a mass counter-movement using teenage demon zealots.
He founded the Lightbringers, an organization dedicated to proselytizing
in his name, spreading the Satanic Shizz, and loyal to him above all
else.
On Satan's instructions, The Watchers initiated an inquisition
against supposed Heavenly agents, who were coincidentally found among
followers of the Triumverate. Coincidence? Not likely.
This era became known as The Great Cull, which lasted from 1467 to
1583 AD. During it, over 88,881,440 demons were killed, either in mass
purges or open warfare with the Armies of the Triumverate. A host of new
memes and hideous abominations were created out of the fevered
nightmares of twisted demonic minds and unleashed without thought of
consequence upon all of Hell.
The Fall of the Triumverate was closely followed by the execution of
Droogas 'The Dread', the Grand Inquisitor, and the establishment of a
new Magisterium, composed of a bunch of pussified puppets closely
controlled by Satan. It would be periodically purged as members grew too
powerful, or developed a spine.
 |
| Angels and demons fight during The Rebellion |
