Monday 17 June 2013

History of Hell Part II

Babylonians worshiping demon posers. By John Martin.
Satan tasked favoured demons to travel to earth and set themselves up as false gods and engage in the Eternal Psychomachy; members of the Magisterium were allotted the Holy Lands, where they cheekily had their temples built next to Yahweh's. They made catcalls, threw fruit, wrote obscene graffiti, drank too much, and generally stirred shit up and lowered real estate values. They also passed knowledge on to man, much to the consternation of God, who didn't like a bunch of gaudily dressed posers loitering on his turf, passing out memetic firecrackers to mischievous little kids who didn't know better.
Satan battles with Death while Sin watches with concern; by John Martin
When the temples of the false gods were finally thrown down, indescribable rage swept through the Magisterium, and Beelzebub launched a rebellion, blaming Satan for letting the indignity happen. Really he was just pissed at not being included in the Magisterium. Many demon aristocrats and their legions joined him, including Rimmon and Basher Thammuz, who were unhappy with Satan being a such prick all the time and not sharing the tastiest souls or his 10,000 succulent succubi harem.

Reinforced by huge, castle-crushing beasts from the wastelands, Beeze and company waged a thirty year war against Satan's high-handed rule, a war which weakened the empyrean essence of everyone involved. For the first time, weaker demons could be permanently dissipated. Rubbed out, in other words. Vaporized. Killed. Scrubbed.
A city fortress in Hell, lit by a bubbling magma pool; by John Martin

The war ended with Beelzebub's defeat by Abaddon and 'Mofo' Moloch. His fortress of gold and iron, Beelzegrond, was razed to the ground and Beelzebub fled back into the wastelands, where it is said he was murdered by his sons, who were understandably displeased with having a loser for a dad. Satan declared the House of Beelzebub a criminal organization; members were sentenced to death. Contests were held to come up with new, innovative, and extremely painful means of execution for them.

During this turbulent period the main political factions of Hell crystallized. They complicate loyalties within the Major Houses, as no house aligns with them perfectly; Satanists are an obvious exception to this, being a one-note personality cult.
The bridge leading out of Hell, through Chaos, to the material world; by John Martin
During the Harrowing of Hell, Satan denied Moloch's request to unleash his teeth gnashing legions upon The Little Enemy. Peeved, Moloch resigned as Marshall of the Infernal Armies, and began to secretly plot to bring about Armageddon prematurely by kidnapping the Anti-Christ and transporting him to earth in 1000 AD. Many members of the military, particularly Abaddon and the officer corps, supported him.

The Walls of Dis
They marched upon the Gates of Hell, but were stopped by the Garrison, and were forced to lay siege. In the meantime, Satan raised a vast army to oppose the rebels, calling them 'a bunch of idiotic Upist douchebags'. The threat in the rear forced Moloch to march upon Pandemonium. He was defeated at the Battle of the Styx and sentenced to be diced for all eternity; Abaddon was cast into a pit with his followers, not to be released until Judgement Day, by which time he'd be ready to break lots of stuff.

The Third Civil War came about when three demons, Ozeroth, Orut, and Izooze, formed a Supreme Triumvirate within the Magisterium. They claimed Satan had become incapable of governing, being morbidly obese, immobile, and senile. Some said Satan had also developed Tourettes, although he may have just been pissed at being stuck in the ice of the Cocytus.

Satan, however, was not as senile as he seemed, and used his influence to start a mass counter-movement using teenage demon zealots. He founded the Lightbringers, an organization dedicated to proselytizing in his name, spreading the Satanic Shizz, and loyal to him above all else.

On Satan's instructions, The Watchers initiated an inquisition against supposed Heavenly agents, who were coincidentally found among followers of the Triumverate. Coincidence? Not likely.

This era became known as The Great Cull, which lasted from 1467 to 1583 AD. During it, over 88,881,440 demons were killed, either in mass purges or open warfare with the Armies of the Triumverate. A host of new memes and hideous abominations were created out of the fevered nightmares of twisted demonic minds and unleashed without thought of consequence upon all of Hell.

The Fall of the Triumverate was closely followed by the execution of Droogas 'The Dread', the Grand Inquisitor, and the establishment of a new Magisterium, composed of a bunch of pussified puppets closely controlled by Satan. It would be periodically purged as members grew too powerful, or developed a spine.
Angels and demons fight during The Rebellion