The brand new iCar!

I wrote this little skit before I heard that Apple really IS developing a car. So hard to do satire.

INT. APPLE CAR DEALERSHIP

A SALESGUY meets TED, an eager customer.

SALESGUY

Come on into the show room, Ted. Ready?

TED

Am I!

SALESGUY

Here it is: The iCar! Apple’s first automobile.

TED

Wow! Sleek! Very cool.

SALESGUY

Six years in development. Focused on the customer experience every step of the way. Go on. Touch it.

TED

It’s… like touching air.

SALESGUY

Frictionless surface. Designed to cut through air like a shark slices through water… Self-cleaning surfaces. Adaptive all-weather tires. It can hit 300 KPH in sixty seconds and runs on salt water. Want to take it for a spin?

TED

Yeah! Uh… where… where’s the door handle?

SALESGUY

I know, right? Removed those unsightly things. Door’s hydraulic.

TED

Where’s the release?

SALESGUY

That’s the best part. You’ll never guess!

TED

I give.

SALESGUY

Under the car!

Ted gets on his hands and knees and looks under car. Reaches. 

SALESGUY (CONT’D)

Reach… no, further under. If you get on your back, you can… stretch. Up more. There! You got it. Hop in.

TED

Did the seat just shift?

SALESGUY

Smart materials. Press the start button.

TED

So quiet! Can hardly hear the engine. And the dash… so minimal.

SALESGUY

Embedded digital displays. 

TED

Radio? CD Player?

SALESGUY

Better: it has the complete U2 collection. And auto downloads all their new songs. For free.

TED

But I hate U2.

SALESGUY

No, you don’t.

TED

Yes. I do.

SALESGUY

I don’t think so. Move your arms.

TED

I can’t! 

SALESGUY

Pull hard. It’s Ultra Grip Velcro. No more sloppy seat belts.

TED

Hey… there’s only one pedal…

SALESGUY

Streamlined design. Tap once for gas, twice for brakes.

TED

There’s no speedometer!

SALESGUY

Ted, if you’re going too fast, the police will tell you. That’s what they’re for. 

TED

I guess… I…

SALESGUY

Which reminds me. You’ll need to upgrade your license.

TED

What? Why?

SALESGUY

Evolution of driving. You don’t want to fall behind, like the dinosaurs and the baby boomers, do you?

TED

No. God no. Of course not.

SALESGUY

Great! We’ll be updating the interface every six months. Here’s a brochure.

TED

Thanks.

SALESGUY

Think of it, Ted: you’ll be the envy of all your neighbours. And let me tell you, Ted: the ladies LOVE this car.

TED

Yeah… Aw, heck, I’ll take it!

SALESGUY

Perfect. Sign this User Agreement form and I’ll get the billing going… What are you doing?

TED

Reading it.

SALESGUY

Don’t bother. We reserve the right to update the terms retroactively at any time without informing you.

TED

Oh. I see.

(signs)

SALESGUY

Congratulations! You are the proud owner of a brand new iCAR!

TED

Yes! Comes with Apple Care, right?

SALESGUY

Absolutely Ted. You’re covered until the iCAR II comes out. We only keep parts for current products, you understand.

TED

Oh. When’s the next model coming out?

SALESGUY

(checks watch)

Wednesday. You passed the line up for it when you came in.