Review: John Carter (Spoilers)

Tepid. That's one way to describe it.

I very much wanted to dig Johnny. Read the books as a kid. Unfortunately, while the film has many fun scenes, taken together they don't exceed their sum.

The film begins with the trippy Therns, blue-hued, shape-shifting beings, introducing themselves to warlord wannabe Sab Than (Dominic West). They bestow upon him the shizz, a powerful Ninth Ray weapon. As long as he asks how high when they tell him to jump, they'll see to it he 'rules' Barsoom. Sabby's a lame-o puppet who can't make a real decision without checking with his boss first.

The film then cuts to earth, where we're introduced to a dour and irritable John Carter (Taylor Kitsch), prospecting in the Old West; in short order, zam-bam, it's ten years later, we're back in New York. We meet Edgar Rice Burroughs (Daryl Sabara), who inherits Carter's estate and diary. He promptly begins to read it, delivering us back ten years to finally begin John Carter's tale.

So bit of a roundabout beginning. Much of the film is like that: fun but overly complex, slowed down thanks to a surfeit of material. A sin I'm familiar with.

It's not painful by any means. There are great action sequences and moments of laugh out loud comic relief along the way. The creatures are believable, the sets superb, and the floating ships magnificent. Yet John Carter lacks epic sweep and the convoluted plot doesn't effectively build to a satisfying climax. The ending seems like a rushed afterthought.

On the other hand, Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe) is awesome.

Director Stanton makes a noble effort, but by remaining so faithful to the source material he hamstrung himself. He tries to cram too much in. Rather than barrel along at a mile a minute, the film lumbers like a ponderous Zitidar.

The Therns and their shape shifting, planet hopping, Machiavellian games add an unnecessary layer of complexity to an already overloaded story. The marriage subplot is bizarrely extraneous, given that Helium is already at the mercy of Zodanga. Meek Sab Than's pushed into it by the Therns. After the wedding he's to assassinate her to put an end to Ninth Ray research; his men are posed to plunder Helium right after the ceremony. Why bother with the whole charade then? Wait! Look over there! It's a fight scene!

When Sab Than (convincingly) puts his life at the mercy of Dejah Thoriss (Lynn Collins), she's sorely tempted to take him up on the offer. His actions seem completely out of character; obviously, the Therns must have put him up to it. Again. Poor Sabby is always being pushed about by these refugees from Beneath the Planet of the Apes. I kept expecting them to peel their false faces off or play percussion.

When the Thern leader (Mark Strong) takes Carter prisoner, like other great villains before him, he can't resist explaining his entire nefarious plan to our seemingly helpless hero, who promptly escapes. Such is the price of hubris. Who could see that coming?

What was Strong's character going to do with Carter? Carter's an obvious threat, a wrench in their plans, yet for utterly inexplicable reasons the Therns don't bother to dispose of him when they have the chance. Then again, the story is set long before Goldfinger.

Star Wars liberally pillaged Edgar Rice Burrough's books for ideas, yet A New Hope has a very clear storyline that builds to a planet shattering crescendo. Carter doesn't. The final battle in Star Wars is well staged and beautifully paced in order to build suspense to the highest level possible. Not Johnny, where everything happens in a big jumble. No build up. No elegant pacing. Just borderline chaos, albeit with well played comic relief.

Finally there's no real spark between Kitsch and the Princess, which is a pity. Both are appealing actors and this isn't Hamlet. But they  couldn't fake a romantic spark for the cameras leaving their relationship unconvincing.

After saying all that, you might think I hated John Carter. Not so. And if I were ten, I'd have loved it. I wasn't bored, even during the extended middle, which is something I can't say of numerous other aspiring blockbusters. I watched right to the end credit roll, something I can't say for the cinematic monstrosity that was the first Transformer film. That thing was a crime perpetrated on my eyeballs.

John Carter's playground has been pillaged for decades, making his film debut feel derivative. Hardly fair. As a fun action adventure flick that reintroduces the world of Edgar Rice Burrough's classic books to a new generation, the film's worthwhile. Even more so for kids who haven't been plied with big budget, epic fantasy films for twenty years.

Sadly JC looks on track to lose the studio a whopping $200 million, making it one of the most catastrophic money losers ever made, a title it doesn't deserve. Guess we won't be seeing a sequel anytime soon, but you can read the original ERB books at Project Gutenberg.