Thursday 19 December 2019

Lament for the poor stormtrooper

I'm not supposed to, but I feel sorry for sad sack Imperial Stormtroopers.

Encased in defective armor, these hapless bastards are responsible for imposing the will of the evil Emperor upon the galaxy, and constantly get their butts kicked trying. 

It's a wonder the Empire lasted a week.

Midget teddybears armed with sticks can beat these guys. Heck, sticks are probably overkill: fresh fruit could take down a stormtrooper.

In Rogue One, they run on stage to be shot down like ten pins.

They have no hope; The Force and target practice is not with them, and neither is one iota of dramatic tension. They're farcical, worse than Red Shirts of Star Trek. At least the Red Shirt was there to show how dangerous the villains were, and give the heroes opportunity to shine. But how do you shine when your opponent is an incompetent boob?

Small wonder the Emperor was so keen on the Death Star: planets are easier to hit.

With Finn, Force Awakens revealed these helmeted oppressors are people, too. Poor shlubs with a raw deal: gunning down innocent civilians whom they can only hit and kill because it offers the heroes motivation. Of course Finn goes on to mow them down in droves.

With a line in The Mandalorian, it's now canon, in universe, that stormtroopers have crappy aim.

Originally, stormtroopers were clones of Jango Fett, the best bounty hunter in the Galaxy, and they spent their entire life training in the Art of War. 

Did something happen in the cloning vats?

"Oh, damn, Ijit Scrooup, we got the fluid balance wrong. All these clones are cross eyed and brain damaged. The whole order is ruined! We have to re-grow them all. Lord Naastee Malishus will be so pissed."

"Regrow 50 million clones? That'll destroy our profit margin, take years, even with accelerated growth! We'll miss the delivery date. Screw that! Just process them anyway. We'll destroy the vat records."

"Won't people notice they're all cross-eyed, Scrooup?"

"No, no, no, they never take their helmets off."

I mean, the Empire did build a planet sized weapon with a serious design flaw...

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